How To Make The News
Posted: Friday, April 17, 2009
by Michael Ramzy
delusionthread.com
That's right, I am about to show how you can make the news. Hold on to your hats.
Actually, I don't mean I will show you how to manufacture the news, although many believe that is what some of our dailies (those few which are left, that is) and networks do on a regular basis. I mean I will show how to become a newsmaker, a headline, a story. That's right, how to get your own self (notice the grammar?) on television as a news story. Excited? Of course you are!
The following is not in any order, yet as with all lists please realize this is to be taken tongue-in-cheek.
1) Throw Tea
As in the Boston tea party. That's right, that one. You know, taxation without representation and all of that. Throw a couple of bags into a river or harbor or pond or puddle and see what happens. You will be lionized on Fox News, CNN will ignore you completely, and MSNBC will say you are part of a right-wing anti-Obama 'Astroturf' movement. All the while, though, you will have some moments of fame.
2) Have 8 Babies At Once
The term 'octomom' sounds kind of . . . I don't know, sounds kind of reptilian to me. And yet, this woman had her fifteen minutes (and then some, actually) of fame before we were told she already had six children and these 8 new ones were . . . how do you say . . . um, implanted? Wow. I actually say wow because that takes a lot of nerve. If it's true, that is.
3) Get Caught By Pirates
The captain of the Maersk Alabama traded his own self (more of that grammar) for his crew, then endured several (well, a couple) days as a hostage with Somali pirates in a tiny lifeboat. He absolutely deserves any honors given him because that takes some guts, doesn't it? To trade yourself for your crew? It sounds like something captain Kirk would do on the Enterprise. Actually, Kirk did do that a number of times, yet never really made the news.
4) Be President
This one is a no-brainer (no pun intended) since the president will always make the news. It's just that Mr. Obama seems to be in the news so much it's almost as though he should have his own cable channel. Some will undoubtedly say he does have his own channel (two of them: CNN and MSNBC), yet doesn't it seem his every move is scrutinized to the extreme? Well, maybe not scrutinized, but you know what I mean. Mr. Bush was scrutinized (and then some), Mr. Obama seems just looked at kind of closely but not too closely.
5) Be A Doomsayer
This one is pretty much taken already by several people, yet if you have a doom-and-gloom attitude you can bet you will be in the news. This could be anything from being a gun-owner (that Obama is going to take my guns) to being a business owner (that Obama is going to give me a bailout, then take my business) to being a climate-change activist (that Obama says he believes me but when is he going to outlaw people?).
6) Protest So Much Nobody Cares About Your Cause
This one is also an easy one since if you watch the news or read the papers you will hear and see protests all the time for causes which, given the current economic and social climate, make you wonder what the point is now. For example, at the G20 summit in London there were signs for saving whales, saving salamanders (a big one here in Austin for some reason), and saving the planet. There was also the requisite 'Legalize Gay Marriage' for those few who really honestly care about it. Of course, we as a people are for saving whales, saving the planet, and many of these other causes. Or at least we were before getting hit over the head with it every single day.
There are plenty more ways to make the news, but I will save those either for my own self (there's that grammar again!) or another time. Here's wishing you all the best and my hope you never make the news.
Intentionally . . .
This Article has been viewed 843 times. (Not updated in real-time.)
Top-level comments on this article: (4 total)Captain Kirk DID save the whales, remember? Of course you could always blow a stop sign and then run from the cops...I forgot about running from the cops! Thanks, Ken.
It would be my luck that if I protested they would lock me up and it would never make any headlines. I would be lost forever. Interesting article.Thank you, Linda DThanks to you, Linda. Protesting always makes news, at least it did during the Bush years. These days not so much, and I wonder why . . .
Great article, great idea and well written--thanks for offering me a little diversion and a smile.Thanks for reading and commenting. I appreciate it very much.
Michael good job and just an oopinion but the facts are what makes the news is only what the news wants to print. It matters not significance or importance. Most to fill print pages and feed the cattle who follow along blindly to the same old drum. It really never changes and in reality just keeps us all occupied with venting and expressing opinions and views meaningless to the program.I agree and yet it seems there is always an angle to the stories, always some kind of agenda. Thanks for reading and commenting.
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