Get It Right, Santa: What I Don't Want For Christmas
Posted: Saturday, December 19, 2009
by Michael Ramzy
delusionthread.com
Another beautiful, clear and cold day in Texas and here we are six days before Christmas. This
holiday comes around every year, strangely at the same time of month, and for the life of me I can't remember why. I know it has something to do with some wise men (not wise guys, or what we call hoods or thugs) and a virgin since I keep seeing these displays in front of people's houses. Not so much these days, of course, but I still see them.
I guess this holiday might be about a big fat (sorry, horizontally-challenged) man in a beard wearing a hat with a fluffy white ball on the end. This big guy (again, not wise guy necessarily) has a team of reindeer which take him all over the planet and he gives toys to children and presents to adults. A big guy giving toys to children sounds eerily like a grownup offering candy to a child, yet that's truly the way it works.
So I'm told.
This big guy has zero carbon footprint when he travels, which is a nice thing if you think about it and if you know what a 'carbon footprint' is. Why they call it a footprint when we keep hearing about tons of carbon floating up into the sky everytime someone flushes a toilet is beyond me, but that's another story.
It's also nice to know he feeds his animals well and talks to them and gives them names, although driving reindeer 26000 miles around the earth in one night might make Michael Vick look like a PETA spokesman.
Santa (as this man is called) has a tough job in any circumstance, yet this year he really has his work cut out for him. He has to deal with layoffs at the north pole, for starters: And before you ask, yes, he applied for a bailout from the American government, yet it gave him the cold shoulder. He even threatened to farm out the work of the elves (they help Santa with the gifts and The List - the one which states who's been naughty and who's been nice), yet Washington ignored him. Washington is very good at ignoring people in general and general ignorance, yet that won't stop Santa this year. He still intends to 'make his rounds' and give presents to whomever happens to be on the Nice side of The List.
I haven't been Naughty, so I'm assuming I'm on the Nice side of The List. So, in order to make it easy for Santa, here is a quick list of what I don't want this year (or any other year, actually).
A Big-Screen Plasma TV: That's right, I don't want a television I have to stand outside of my house to watch because of its size. I have a television now which works fine.
A New Fusion-Hybrid-Carbon-Neutral-Automobile: I already have a vehicle, a truck, which I keep running well. My footprint can't be that large since I don't haul around trash or lumber or tools, just myself and the occasional hedges or trees for my yard.
Truth In Advertising: I like to be kept on my toes, and so if there was no more fine-print and no more 'catches', I would have no one to blame but myself and caveat emptor would really be 'buyer beware'.
Another Reality Show: I always thought the news was real enough, yet apparently the networks (and a great number of Americans) believe we need more: we need to see a couple of hacks with fifteen kids lead them (and the viewers, of course) through dysfunction after dysfunction, a washed-up athlete whose kids (who don't look like him at all, a fact no one seems to mind) can't decide if they want to be soft-porn stars or actresses, and some 'real' housewives of some suburb. Please, Santa, spare me: I haven't the time, the inclination, or the fried brain cells to watch any of that.
Another Tiger Mistress:The Athlete of the Decade has so many mistresses he's definitely over par in that category (or would it be under). Enough is enough. I wonder, though: what is the magic number for his wife to say goodbye? I mean, if he has twelve affairs and she stays with him, yet leaves him after number thirteen, what does that say about her? For most, one is the deal-breaker, yet Santa knows (I hope) I don't want to hear about it.
The word 'bi-partisan': This word should be stricken from every congressional record and from every politician's lips. There is no such thing since those in public office have no concept of what is good for their country (by their actions). It's the 'with us or against us' mentality which prevails, and although we can do so much by working together, it seems those in Washington cannot agree on anything other than keeping the divide alive.
So. Santa does have his work cut out for him this Christmas, yet my house will be easy: I have everything I need and I don't miss what I don't have. I think all of us can remember what Christmas is really about and put aside acrimony and strife and celebrate joy and give thanks.
That's not something Santa can bring. That, fellow readers and writers, is for us.
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Top-level comments on this article: (7 total)Good article Mike, yes what I want for Christmas is "Peace on earth" with that accomplished everything else just falls into place.True words, and I have hope for it. Thanks for reading and commenting.
Thanks, Michael, for this one. So much truth wrapped in so much fun. You really know how to bundle a package. I'll take your article as one of my Christmas presents for this year. Add joy and peace, it's a perfect Christmas, even if Santa is too broke to show up. ~mogama~Thanks as always for your comments. It sure is a weird 'letter' to Santa, but hopefully he'll hear. Merry Christmas.
What a unique request! If Santa had gotten a bail out from the government you would be getting whatever congress wanted you to have, namely, a much bigger national debt.Oh yea, maybe he DID get one!Excellent work here, Michael, as we've come to expect.Thanks very much, Ken. I really don't want whatever Congress is trying to sell me since there are so many strings attached. Just defend my country, keep the roads in good shape and stay out of my way. Of course, while I'm dreaming . . .Thanks for the comments as always.
Well said Michael! Too many people buy into thinking life is a TV commercial, and they have to have it all in order to be happy. How fortunate you are to be happy with what you have, and to realize you don't miss what you don't have. Merry Christmas.You have a great point in that many really do think of life as a commercial. When their life doesn't mirror that of what they see, people get angry and sad and lash out. I wonder if they did have that life, would they be truly happy? Thanks for reading and commenting.
Michael, Very nice article. A little cheer and alot of truth. I just hope Santa does'nt give you what you don't want. AnthonyThat is my hope as well. If he does give me what I don't want (or need), perhaps I can return it or exchange it.Thanks for stopping by, I appreciate it.
Great article. Well done.I very much enjoyed this article - it is genius. The reality show bit seams to be working against me and you. I really don't want reality TV shows but is the time to be watching crap TV. So naturally they drag out some garbage and count the ad money.P.S. do you not think reality TV is an oxymoron?It is an oxymoron, come to think of it. I remember when Survivor came out and I was actually going to watch it. I thought it was a couple of remote cameras set up on some deserted island and we would see what the people would do to survive. When I realized it was all a con, that the people were actors and basically 'acting' tired and 'surviving as if their life depended on it', I swore never to watch again.Thanks for reading and commenting.
Thoroughly enjoyable article! Thanks for the laughs--Merry Christmas and a Happy Holiday season .........Thanks very much as always. Merry (belated) Christmas and happy holidays to you as well.
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