TSA Memo To Screeners: New Rules Regarding The Screening Process
Posted: Thursday, January 07, 2010
by Michael Ramzy
delusionthread.com
The following are steps you, the TSA screener, will have to use in order to implement the new screening process at airports and other port authorities around the Continental United States. This manual does not include Alaska or Hawaii: Alaska is too cold for would-be terrorists, and Hawaii is too . . . well, who would blow up paradise?
1. What You Should Not Look For: Do not look for the obvious, as terrorists are anything but obvious. If you see an Arab gentleman in his mid-twenties nervously looking around and protecting his backpack, do not concern yourself. This is simply the Arab mindset and we at the TSA are understanding of this. If you happen to overhear the words 'jihad' or 'Allahu akbar', do not concern yourself as these are normal, everyday words in the Arab vocabulary, similar to 'dude' or 'whatever' in America. Also, if you see someone approaching your screening station who has spent time in Afghanistan, Pakistan or Yemen, do not concern yourself as these are burgeoning vacation spots (see Screeners Vacation Time, pg. 133 of your TSA Screeners Handbook).
3. What You Should Not Do: Let us say you have a would-be terrorist at your screening station. This person is a ninety-two year old woman who refuses a body scan. Do not (repeat, do not) insist as this might make the woman detonate her device. Do not touch the person or act suspicious in any way as this also might make the device detonate.
4. What You Should Do: Since this alleged 'elderly woman' poses a national security threat, you must (repeat, you must) call for assistance. Agents are standing by for this exact scenario, and when you call for assistance this will initiate a lockdown of the airport (and surrounding city, if necessary) and your job is to lead the agents to the 'elderly woman'. At this point, step out of the way and allow the agents to gang-tackle the target and end the situation peacefully.
These guidelines are to be followed to the letter and this memo replaces page 23 of TSA edition 32211 of The Manual. Failure to comply will (repeat, will) have disastrous consequences.
Remember our motto:
Be Alert, Be Vigilant, Be Aware, Be Nice.
This Article has been viewed 1,405 times. (Not updated in real-time.)
Top-level comments on this article: (3 total)Yeah Mike, I'll take your advice and follow these procedures the next time I fly.It's funny how I started to write about profiling coming of age, and I ended up with this article! Not really a funny subject, but I still to this day do not understand why passengers have to remove their shoes when a simple x-ray machine would solve most of the problems.Thanks for reading and commenting, and remember: stay away from those old ladies at airports since you don't want to be 'collateral damage', or as they say these days, an 'incidental'.
Hi Michael.Funny and yet a sad truth at the same time. A great article and great points made.DianneSad and funny is exactly right. Thanks for reading and commenting, Dianne.
I should hope the "elderly woman" in number 4 is seized and wrestled to the ground.!She is! The memo goes on to say this:"When the woman is gang-tackled, she will be whisked away to an undisclosed location for enhanced, yet gentle, questioning. Do not concern yourself, and do not (repeat, do not) leave your screening station."Thanks, Ken, for reading and commenting.
We want your comments! If you can read this, you don't have javascript enabled, so you can't use this comment system. Please enable javascript.